In a few weeks I should have been finished my hairdressing apprenticeship and have had over $50,000 in my bank account. Instead I sit on my bed, looking around at my messy room feeling like an absolute failure. I have under $10,000, no official qualifications, other than a cert 3 in beauty therapy, and no idea what to do next. I'm restless and angry. "Why didn't I stick with my apprenticeship???" "Why can't I ever finish ANYTHING?" I never even finished school. I'm always quitting. Always looking for a way to make it all work. I feel so pathetic. "What the hell am I doing with my life?" "Why is this my life?" "Should I finish my apprenticeship?" "Should I finish school and go to uni?" "Damn it, I could have had a house by now."

All these thoughts are running wild in my mind and my anxiety is growing. I'm used to numbing this by eating, exercising, short term goals or watching something. But tonight I need to think this through. I hear His voice, "and so you might have had a house, what is that to you? Security? Pride? Some sense of worth? And a finished an apprenticeship, what of that? Money? Worth? What is it?" Yes, a sense of accomplishment, which would give me a sense of worth, and...pride. So what then...what am I really supposed to do? If I was told I would die at the end of this year what would I spend every last moment doing? Would I finish my apprenticeship? No...Would I finish school? No...Would I spend hours watching movies? No. I would write. I would write with everything I had all the things I know about God. Every truth He has taught me about who He is, about life, and about who we are. I would write about my trials, my family, relationships, purpose, forgiveness, boundaries, addictions, spiritual battle....the list goes on. That is my passion. He is my passion. No wonder I am struggling. I am not doing the very thing He has called me to. And because of that I feel a restlessness that has been unshakable. Sometimes it can be numbed, through distractions and thoughts of other career paths. But deep inside I know anything else (at least at the moment) would be so unsatisfying.

And so it begins. I'm terrified. I don't think I'm a good writer. I have started writing so many things and never finish them. I often self-sabotage if it looks like it's getting 'good.' I even have a theory as to why and could write about that too. But most of the time I'm just used to giving up and waiting for a better time. What a lie. Straight from the enemy. Every moment wasted is time lost. Gone. Life is short and I'm tired of wasting mine. So here's the beginning of my truthful thoughts. Everything that I write is written with the deepest thoughts, prayers, passion and love.

I have had the deepest thoughts and revelations ever since I can remember. I'm about to turn 20. And it feels like my heart will to burst. I will pray that God will guide my passion with grace. I have been suppressing these thoughts for so long. Literally holding my chest and crying instead of letting the words flow out. The enemy has done so well to keep me quiet. I can sense a change of season coming as my teenage years finally come to a close. A season of so much pain, doubt, fear and wandering. But in all of it I have gained so much knowledge. I have been through so much and I pray through everything. Even when I don't necessarily want to be close to God. I still talk to Him, I ask Him what it means, why it's happening and how I'm meant to respond. He always answers. I haven't always obeyed, which is another reason perhaps as to why I'm kept quiet for so long.

So if you also have a heart that seeks the truth, I can't wait to share my thoughts with you.

With the deepest love,
Briahna